5 modest proposals for Saudi Arabia

As a thought experiment, I’ve been toying with several ideas -- completely unsolicited by anyone of authority in the Kingdom, of course -- that could just possibly make life in Saudi Arabia better for everyone. And by “everyone” of course I mean “me.”

As I thought about this and asked colleagues, I decided on two basic ground rules:

a) changes or improvements could not violate any Islamic rules or principles, and

b) implementing them would not cost a fortune.

This eliminates all the questions about women driving, keeping stores open during prayer times, devising an efficient mass transit system, promoting tourism, making Saudi Arabian Airlines a less unpleasant experience or trying to get people to understand the concept of a queue.

So, whattya think?

1. Sidewalks. You literally cannot go more than 20 or 30 steps in most Riyadh neighborhoods without having to detour into the street. In fact, there’s no point even in using a sidewalk because the street is the real pedestrian path. This is true even on fancy streets like Olaya.

Here is a partial list of things a walker will find to obstruct his path: trees, dumpsters, open unmarked excavations, giant piles of dirt, parked cars, torn up concrete, more parked cars, building utility boxes, telecom company utility boxes and possibly some more parked cars.



So how about a program of building sidewalks, or requiring sidewalks, perhaps even on just one side of a street?

2. Building addresses. Try calling a cab to pick you up, inviting a friend over, giving directions or just having hot schwarmas delivered without a street address. Fire or police emergency? Forget it. Moreover, businesses shipping you goods hate delivering to a P.O. box.

So how about a program of putting addresses on buildings (and telling residents what they are while we’re at it)? I’m guessing there are, technically, addresses for most or all buildings that are known only in the most super-secret interior lock boxes of the Ministry of Addresses. I even heard mine one time. You might as well put an address on a schwarma for all the good it does.

3. Street names. While we’re dealing with streets, maybe we could simplify or at least coordinate the spelling of street names. Typically one just says to a driver “Go to Malaz Siteen and turn right at the McDonalds” or “Pepsi Road near the Tamimi.” That’s because no one wants to deal with tongue twisters like “Al Amir Muhammad Ibn Abdulaziz Rd.” or “Al Amir Muhammad Ibn Abdulaziz St.” or “Al Amir Abdulaziz Ibn Musa Id Ibn Jalawi St.” or “Al Amir Turki Ibn Abdulaziz Rd.” or “Al Amir Sa’ad Ibn Abdulaziz” or “Al Imam Abdulaziz Ibn Muhammad Ibn Saud.” (all spellings taken from the standard Farsi map.) And then there’s the Good Ship Lollipop which simply lists itself as being on Prince Mohammad Bin Abdul Aziz St. (Thalia St).” Or the Turkish restaurant at “Olaya-Prince Sultan St. Old 30.” (These were taken verbatim from actual business cards.)
4. Normalize spelling of Saudi names. Students ask why I try to get them to spell their names the same way all the time. I want them to come to a consistent transliteration based on how the tribe wants the name to sound (though I don’t explain it that way). Within the KSA it probably doesn’t matter (except to teachers who are trying to figure out if the Al Qatani on the exam is the same as the alqetani or the al-Ketaani on the attendance roster).

The reason I give is that anyone traveling outside the Kingdom will have a much easier time of things if he or she doesn’t have to explain why their name doesn’t match whatever list or form the airport guy, the college admissions officer, the bank officer or the police officer is using.

Several years ago, Cecil Taylor of The Straight Dope column came up with 12 ways to spell Qadhafi. The official U.S. Library of Congress rundown gives 32 different spellings.

The basic problem of course is that there is no generally accepted authority for Westernizing Arabic names, mostly because Arabic contains several sounds that have no equivalent in English. And many exquisite subtleties of Arabic pronunciation are mooshed together into a single character when the name gets romanized.

But perhaps the tribes could at least talk amongst themselves and decide if they want to be Al Anazi, Al Enazi, Al Anzi, Aal Anazi or Al Anazy.

Among the things that I include under “normalization” (that is, creating a consistent “norm” for names) would be what to do with the “al” – should it be Al Ghamdi, Al-Ghamdi, alghamdi or al-Ghamdi?

It all makes a difference in how names get alphabetized, which like it or not, helps society keep things in order and find you when you are lost.

5. Littering fines. This may be a losing battle but wouldn’t it be nice to walk down a street or visit a beautiful desert landmark without seeing a mountain of empty water bottles, used tissues, juice containers, tea bags, blue bags, half-eaten schwarmas, cigarette butts, empty cigarette packs, Barbican bottles, dead butane lighters, tin cans, torn up bits of paper and…of course, the ubiquitous 10 SR STC phone card?

Naturally, it does no good to simply put up a sign saying “No littering.” You might as well put up a sign saying “No ants!” at your next desert kabsa BBQ.

No, an anti-littering ordinance would have to have serious consquences, much like the photo radar cameras that have struck fear into the hearts of red-light runners and speeders…well some of them anyway.

So there we have ‘em. Five fairly reasonable ideas that won’t cause major disruptions in the social fabric but could just make your life (and by “your” I mean “my”) a little more civilized.

Got your own ideas? Remember the two conditions.

The Ministry of Pretty Good Ideas awaits your input.



..

Saudi Arabia bans "chirpers"

VOA NEWSWIRE - Riyadh, April 1, 2011 -- As part of his program to move forward with progressive reforms in the kingdom, and some pundits say, consolidate his base of support, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah today announced that all car alarm “chirpers”—the high-pitched screeching devices that sound off whenever a vehicle is jostled or a heavy truck rumbles by—are hereby outlawed.

Click here to listen to a typical chirper.

The new law goes into effect immediately though enforcement will not begin for another two weeks to give owners time to disable the devices.

A 150 SAR fine will be levied for every violation and offenders will receive notification at their next ATM transaction, just like any traffic fine.

“These things are un-Islamic, useless and just plain annoying, annoying jedn,” (very annoying) a spokesman for the King said. We’re pretty sure no one in the 7th century had one for his camels and we certainly don’t need them now.”

Imams throughout the kingdom applauded the ruling.

“People don’t mind getting up for the dawn Fajr prayer, but they don’t need the annoyance of these devices going off at all hours, disturbing their sleep and disrupting domestic tranquility just because car washers are trying to make a few riyals at 5am,” said Al Rajhi Mosque imam Abdullah Abdulrahman ibn Abdulmajid ibn Abdulkareem. “The harsh chirping or squeaking noises can be heard for blocks away and the resulting lack of sleep causes the faithful to lose concentration during prayers.”

It is expected that chirping remote keyless entry devices will be added to the ban shortly.

“What? They’re not content to just have flashing lights! They have to hear where their SUV is too?” added a highly placed interior ministry official who spoke on condition of anonymity.

"It's really a quality of life issue" said a leading political observer in Riyadh who spoke on condition of anonymity. "The 135 SR billion ($36 billion US) in social benefits just announced were a bit abstract for the average Saudi to fully get on board with. This new law hits home where it counts...in the bedroom."

According to the New York City Police Department, car alarms are actually making the crime problem worse because false alarms are so common that people simply ignore them. And the director of the criminology center at the University of Pennsylvania, Lawrence Sherman, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, "No study has demonstrated that they reduce auto theft."

"Get your chirping out of your system now," warned an unidentified highly placed official in the Ministry of SUVs, "because it'll be kalaboush for offenders by the next new moon."

A perfect waste of time and dirt

Admittedly, picking up and counting every pre-paid phone card on a 1-km walk to work could be considered a complete waste of time by many folks. I prefer to call it an exercise in anthropological observation.

Either way, I have found something that even my dear mother would consider a monumentally pointless activity. (And she is someone who patiently watched me engaging in numerous monumentally pointless and dangerous activities as a child.)

What I'm doing is moving red dirt from a next-door construction site to a series of small but useless "planters" in front of my own apartment building.

Here's what one of the planters looks like in its current state:

(I call this a "planter" because at one time the building owners constructed about 20 of these square concrete structures and planted mini-palm trees. Naturally they didn't consider how the plants would be watered so all but 3 or 4 of them have died.)

There are three pretty good reasons my enterprise is pointless:

1) Saudi Arabia is vast, inherently dusty, sandy and windblown desert environment...and that's just the cities! (insert comedic rim shot) And there's 2.3 million sq. kilometers of sand and ground up rock on the Arabian peninsula trying to get in.

2) There appears to be very little if any regulation for construction sites so that it's common to see large piles of uncovered dirt, rubble, worker refuse and construction materials that blow up and down the street.

3) Pedestrians in this multi-ethnic neighborhood regard the street and sidewalk simply as places to deposit whatever cigarette butts, tissues, glass bottles, juice boxes, gum wrappers--and phone cards of course--that they happen to find in their hand at the moment and have no more use for.

So this Thursday morning while I was doing my laundry, which is just a few steps from the streetfront, I got the idea to go outside and fool around with the planters for a half hour with pretty red dirt from the construction site next door.

All three planters now have about 2 inches of red dirt and whatever objets d'art I could find lying around as a centerpiece. Thus we have a nice flat rock, a cylindrical block of something or other that reminded me of a ka'ba sticking out of the dirt, and a 6-inch piece of plastic tubing (pic #3) embedded in the dirt with rocks and a stick.

How long will these three planters remain butt- and soda-can free?

I'm guessing a day or two.

I'm also guessing the next door neighbors won't notice that some of their dirt is missing.

________________________________________

Update, Feb. 1: the planters are no longer daily repositories of cigarette butts, tissues and empty water bottles, but people do occasionally drop items in there. Just when I think progress is being made, some noodnink drops a soda can in one of them.345

Camels are for hugging, not smoking

123

My Arabian adventure: first report

001
June 26, 2009

Getting the job teaching English in Riyadh was easy enough -- I'm qualified, have no specific ties here other than a mortgage, love to travel, have no particular religious prejudices and I already live in 110-degree heat.

Getting the visa completed is a nightmare though.

Here's where I stand at the moment:

1. Passport - renewed and ready to go (it was set to expire in June so I needed it anyway). Cost: about $25 (need to check this)

2. Travel arrangements - my flight is booked (though I won't get the actual ticket until the visa is approved. Cost: free

3. Police report - in progress. Just took a trip to the Phoenix municipal office, fingerprinting, a small fee and they'll mail it to me in about a week (the city even pays for postage, though their published requirements say to bring a stamped, self-addressed envelope). Cost: $28

4. Medical report - incredibly expensive! I'm currently figuring it will come to more than $800 with all the lab tests, including a couple that neither my doctor's office or the lab recognize. The actual physical part is pretty easy though.

5. Immunizations - I'm holding off a bit. Technically no immunizations are required by S.A., but the US recommends Hep and Tet. This is going to be another $300 if I just get the minimum shots.

6. University degree authentication - another paperwork nightmare. It's not enough to just send authorized transcripts from Gannon University (M.A.) and University of Dayton (B.A.). No, they need:

• my name and SS #
• name of employer
• name of "courier agent" (whatever that means)
• letter stating reason for requiring authorization
• copy of employment contract
• copy of passport
• certified copy of university degree (whatever that means)
• updated official transcript in a sealed envelope (how is that different from the "degree"?)
• name of university and telephone # of the registrar (wouldn't that be on the official transcript?)
• verification letter from the registrar's office including SS#, school ID and telephone # of contact person in registrar's office
• written consent to allow the Saudi Cultural Mission to verify the degrees

Other matters:

7. House - I'll need to start posting ads and spreading the word very soon to rent my house for a year. I've only told my plans to a very few people since a whole lot of things could happen to foil the adventure and I don't want to set up a lot of expectations and/or gnashing of teeth (or worse, choruses of hallelujahs).

8. Packing - nada

9. Laptop - acquired a new, working unit just for this. I figured it's a good investment anyway. Cost: $400

10. Skype - could be my smartest investment (free)...though I did shell out $20 for a microphone/headphone and $25 for a webcam (though it turns out my laptop comes equipped with webcam. Skype has already proved invaluable for getting in touch with my sister in Kentucky, my neice in Afghanistan, a friend living in Cairo, and my sponsor in Riyadh. Since the IPA e-mail system doesn't seem to work very well with AOL, we've used a bunch of workarounds like Skype and my Arizona State University e-mail to stay in touch. Cost: Skype is free, other items, about $50

Whew.